Why Women Need to Stop Apologizing
Many years ago I began to notice women using the phrase, “I’m Sorry” frequently in their regular vocabulary when there wasn’t any exchange that warranted an apology. Not only did I notice other women apologizing too much, I noticed myself doing it as well. “I’m sorry” was such an ingrained part of my vocabulary that I really had to work at stopping it, and I’m still not sure that I have totally nipped this bad habit in the butt. I have to work to stay conscious of it, or I catch myself slipping back in the pattern of using I’m sorry as a precursor to most requests.
So where did this bad habit come from, and how do we stop it? Just recently op-ed contributor Sloan Crosley eloquently explained Why Women Apologize and Should Stop. She takes up the belief that women do this to express politeness, and presents an alternative theory that, “[t}hese sorrys are actually assertive. Unfortunately, for both addresser and addressee alike, the ‘assertive apology’ is too indirect, obscuring the point. It comes off as passive-aggressive — the easiest of the aggressions to dismiss.” And she makes the case why women need to stop. She states, “[i]t’s not what we’re saying that’s the problem, it’s what we’re not saying. The sorrys are taking up airtime that should be used for making logical, declarative statements, expressing opinions and relaying accurate impressions of what we want.”
Crosley isn’t the only one who has noticed this phenomenon among other women. For example, Pantene’s 2014 “Not Sorry” ad was aimed at highlighting the constant use of the phrase I’m sorry, then encourages women to lose it. Comedian Amy Schumer also noticed the trend and aired a skit of accomplished women on a panel apologizing all the time in an effort to out the problem. The skit is actually pretty painful to watch when you realize how true it is. It’s almost impossible to watch these videos without seeing a little of yourself in the women depicted.
This conversation is about much than a phrase. “Sorrygate” is just another example of how our programing and wiring hinders women in business. When women primarily worked in the home, these idiosyncrasies didn’t matter. Women are struggling for equality in business in so many ways, and feeling obligated to apologize for everything does affect our success. Don’t mistake my intentions in this article; examining what we are doing to affect our own success in business is not about blaming women. This absolutely is not about blame, it’s about taking a look at what we can control to affect change for ourselves.
In business it is critical to consistently communicate your competence and ability to be effective. Women should be pridefully talking about their successes and boasting about their abilities. Apologizing all the time sends the message that you are not competent or confident. Make a change today by cutting out the sorrys at a starting ground. Lastly, don’t forget to sing your own praises, you deserve it.